THE TENTH MOON

So much of my work deals with pregnancy and birth, but recently I've begun diving into the world on the other side of birth-- the postpartum chapter, or tenth moon, as I like to call it. Our society pays very little attention to this intense period of new motherhood-- once the baby is on the outside, s/he becomes the center of attention and the mother's well-being is often overlooked. New mamas are expected to be beaming symbols of joy and happiness-- after all, with a healthy baby, why wouldn't you be happy? But for many women, this period of time is one of intense emotions and adjusting to new roles and realities. We may feel ecstatic and in love, and yet also vulnerable, scared, and sad.  If our birth experience didn't go as we'd hoped, we may feel deeply disappointed, let down, and angry. And even if we can't articulate why, we may feel a deep sense of sadness. Hormones obviously play a strong role in these emotions, but I also believe that women feel so deeply around birth because it a sacred and spiritual event. Both our bodies and our hearts open to bring new life forward, and in doing so, space is created for all kinds of energy.

To all the new mamas: I hope you know that it's ok to grieve. It's ok to mourn the experience you didn't have, it's ok to feel disappointment, anger, regret, and sadness. It's ok to grieve if you'd wished for a little girl but now have a beautiful baby boy in your arms. It's ok to miss your round, full belly, to mourn the loss of your pre-baby body, or to feel out of place in your own skin. It's ok to feel sad that your baby is no longer just yours-- s/he is out in the world now and that sacred bond of one-ness that you shared has been broken. Anything and everything you feel is ok.

You've just crossed the sacred threshold of birth. Life came through you. This is huge. There is space for everything you're feeling. Your sadness and grief and disappointment don't make your joy and excitement any less real. These heavy feelings don't negate your love for your baby or make you any less of a mother. Your heart has wide open with love and newness and in this wide open space, you will feel it all.

Be gentle with yourself. Let your heart pound with rawness. Ask for help-- for support and company and backrubs and time to take bubble baths. Know that you are not alone-- your tears  and joy tie you to the ancient stream of motherhood. You are unconditional love-- in all its painful, messy glory.

APRIL// NESTING

I've always had a love affair with nests. My dad used to bring them home from work--everything from small neat robins nests to enormous messy crow's nests. I felt such a strong connection with the mama birds, who carefully collected twigs and grass and yarn and thread and weaved them into cozy homes for their babes. 

SWEET GOLDEN DREAMS

Dreams of fairies and magical boat rides, wrapped in golden light and baby snuggles. Love paints pretty pictures in my eyes as I watch my little ones sleep. 

I hold the paintbrush- love paints the pictures. 

TWIN MAGIC

So much love and admiration for all the mamas who breastfeed multiples. I can only imagine the work of sharing your body with two little beings (or more!!) 

MAMA MERMAID

Long days of sun and sea, dreaming of rainbow mermaid mamas nursing their wee ones to sleep on a bed of waves. We look for treasures among the tide pools and I'm blown away by mother nature's creations. I want to make headband and belts out of the perfect little shells-- I bet they would make beautiful music as I walked. Sand and sun and sea. Sand and sun and sea. <3 <3 <3

<< TEN MOONS >>

My newest creation-- <<TEN MOONS~ a meditation journal for pregnancy, birth, and postpartum>> has been birthed and is now available for preorder through our Etsy shop! It's so exciting to finally hold this journal in my hand, after many months of dreaming and creating it. 

This journal is a collaboration with Sandra Maurer from Whole Beginnings and was created from our desire to provide inspiration and soulful guidance to women during their motherhood journey. While carrying my boys in my belly, I felt more in tune with my inner self and spirit than at any other point in my life. I found myself journaling and drawing frequently- recording my thoughts and the changes my body was experiencing. Shortly after Koa was born, I began dreaming about creating a journal for other women-- space and inspiration to dive into the journey of pregnancy on a deeper level. And so, Ten Moons was born!!

This softcover journal features 100 pages of inspiration. Inside you will find:

-writing prompts to encourage your exploration 

-powerful mantras to connect you to your inner strength

-blank pages to record all of your thoughts and feelings

-coloring pages to release your creativity

-guided meditations to help you journey within

-and inspiring images to fill you with joy

The journal features three guided meditations to help cultivate peace during your pregnancy. 

There are three coloring pages throughout the journal, for fun, creative meditation,

I've included some of my favorite paintings throughout the journal, to reflect the beauty of the pregnant and birthing form-- and remind you that you are a beautiful goddess!

Each page features a powerful mantra to connect you with your inner strength. 

Special pages throughout the journal help you create a birth plan, make preparations for the postpartum period, release fears/stories you have around birth, and record your birth story.

<< BIRTH ALTER >>

I'm so excited to launch a few new products in our shop, including birth prayer flags (above) and birth affirmation cards (below.) During my own labors, I focused on a painting that a friend had given me of a mother lifting up her child.  Having a visual focal point to concentrate on (when my eyes were open) helped me feel centered-- it grounded me in the present. I was inspired to create something that would help other women through their labors in the same way-- and birth flags came to mind. 

NEW PIECES// SEPTEMBER

WEATHERING THE STORM

I didn't manage to get any pictures of Koa's birth, so instead, I've been trying to capture the sensations and experiences of it through painted images.

 Alexis was my rock during the hard stage of active labor. My focus was inward and I was alone in my body with the contractions, but having my man next to me to lean on and support me, provided tremendous strength and relief. 

<<She road in the boat of her body/ the hardest work was hers alone- to be one with the water as it rushed forward with new life/ But he was her anchor- holding her steady as the waves rose and fell/ And together they weathered the storm >>

HOME BIRTH OF KOA ARAN

It's taken me almost 2 months to find the time to get Koa's birth story down on paper, but here it is! Thank you in advance if you make it to the end. :)

On Saturday morning, I took Tai (my four year old) to the farmers market and then the children’s museum. We got home around 1:15, and as I turned around in my seat to unbuckle his carseat, I felt a gush down my skirt. I sat in the car for a few minutes, taking it all in. I had convinced myself that the baby wasn’t coming for another week, so I was in total shock. I called my midwife and she informed me that I had until 7:30 the next morning to deliver the baby at home-- due to regulations around home birth. I started feeling very scared about the idea of delivering in the hospital, but tried to stay calm and positive.

I spent the next couple of hours cleaning the house and readying the birth supplies. Slowly, I began to notice a slight crampy feeling in my lower abdomen. I kept puttering and cleaning—hung up some twinkly lights in the bedroom and had a snack. Little by little, the cramps turned into gentle contractions. I spent the next few hours sitting on my bed, watching a movie on my laptop (and painting my toenails :) Since Tai was born on Mother’s day, I thought it would be awesome to have a Father’s day baby as well, so I was trying to keep labor slow in order to make it past midnight.

My body had a very different plan and the contractions continued to pick up in intensity and closeness pretty quickly. I took a hot shower and tried to relax, but by 7:00 pm, it was obvious that I was getting close to having the baby. Alexis sat with me through a few contractions and after watching me try to breath through them, he said, “I think it’s time to call the midwife.”

My midwife and her assistant arrived at 7:30 (along with my 4 best friends and my mom. My brother and Alexis’s best friend were also in the house and my sister was driving home from TX.) The midwives sat with me on my bed, took my vitals, and used the Doppler to check baby’s heartbeat. Tai and Alexis sat on the bed with me—holding my hands through contractions and giving me kisses on my cheeks. After a bit (I lost track of time…) things started to get more intense—the contractions were right on top of one another—and I was feeling really heavy, so Alexis took Tai downstairs to my mom and the midwives left us to labor alone for a bit.

A few minutes after everyone had left the room, I started to feel like pushing. It wasn’t a strong bodily urge (I haven’t felt that with either of my labors) just a conscious acknowledgment that it was time to get the baby out and that I had to push in order to do that. I called the midwives back in, and began to push, leaning back against the headboard of the bed. After a few contractions in that position, I moved onto my knees, resting against the headboard. I began to feel tired and really frustrated-- I felt like I wasn’t making any progress in either position. It felt like my body had forgotten how to push a baby out, and I began to get very discouraged. I'd been so excited about labor, but in the midst of it, I just wanted to get it over with!

 The midwife suggested I change positions again, so I got up and squatted on the floor at the foot of my bed. Alexis sat beside me and the midwife knelt behind me. Immediately, I felt stronger-- gravity was on my side! After only two pushes, I felt Koa’s head ready to emerge. I pushed through the “ring of fire” and his head was out, followed by his body with the next push—at exactly 9:30 pm.

 Koa cried right away—the most beautiful noise in the world!! The midwife passed him up to me between my legs and I held him to my belly—his cord was too short to get him any higher. I was totally in awe, flooded with instant love, and so glad to be done with labor! We had hoped to postpone cord cutting for as long as possible, but in order to get Koa to my chest, Alexis had to cut it. The midwives got me settled in bed  and began cleaning and stitching me up, while I got Koa latched on to my breast. Like his brother, Koa was a pro at nursing and latched on right away.

After the bleeding was under control and I was all stitched up, my mom, Tai, my girlfriends, and my sister (who’d arrived from Texas during my labor) all came in to meet Koa. We spent the next few hours in bed, surrounded by family and friends, soaking up our new little one. I couldn't have asked for a more peaceful, beautiful birth! 

WORLD BREASTFEEDING WEEK

In celebration of world breastfeeding week, I wanted to share some of my favorite breastfeeding photos from around the world. These pictures are a beautiful reminder that cultures around the world embrace breastfeeding openly. I look forward to the day that the same can be said about our culture. :)

37 WEEKS

37 weeks. 3 to go until my due date. The final stretch.

These last few months of pregnancy are bittersweet for me. I'm so excited and anxious to meet our new babe-- to feel soft baby hair against my cheek and to finally snuggle the little being inside me. But I know I'll also miss being pregnant. I'll miss the way I feel so grounded-- connected to the earth and a greater life force. I'll miss the rolling waves in my belly-- the security of holding my child safe within my womb. I'm doing my best to stay present for these next few weeks-- to soak up the sensations and feelings of pregnancy that I treasure so much while also preparing myself for the transition ahead. 

MOTHERHOOD

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”
-Debra Ginsberg

I borrowed these words because no others that I've ever read  or could write myself come as close to capturing the experience of motherhood for me.

As I stand at the doorway of my second child, I feel the same sense of wonder and mystery that I did with my first. The day Tai was born, my heart broke open so widely that it felt, like Ginsberg wrote, that it was beating outside of my chest. I was flooded with a love that was deeper and more piercing than I'd ever felt-- it was overwhelming, beautiful, raw, and yes....painful.

What will it be like this time around? I ask my myself. Now that my heart is already so full and open and beating outside my chest-- how will this new little baby change me? I suppose only time will tell.....

<<Oh, child of mine, I wait in wonderment upon your doorstep-- knowing that your arrival will open my heart in ways I can only imagine.>>

33 WEEKS

With Tai's birthday only a few days away, birth and motherhood are on my mind even more than ever (which basically means I'm thinking of nothing else...) It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I'll have a new baby in my arms in less than two months. My brain is still so centered in this pregnancy-- in savoring the rolling movements inside me-- that the end result often slips past. But our house is slowly beginning to look like baby-land again--- diapers pulled out of storage, little mattress set up next to our bed, tiny infant clothes folded and put away in drawers. 

 Despite the sore hips and extra weight, pregnancy feels so natural in my body.  I feel grounded and charged with the energy of new life. I've been doing my best to soak up these final weeks (while also keeping up with work and prepping for the birth and babe)-- decorating my belly and taking lots of pictures. 

BIRTH MEDITATION

<<We hold the ancient knowledge in our bones, in our wombs, in the deepest fibers of our beings. Our bodies know the way through birth-- sacred wisdom we carry within us from our own entrances into the world. Our minds must give way to our bodies. We must trust our power and surrender to the strength that flows through us. We are divine gateways for new life. We are mothers.>>

WHY BIRTH MATTERS

Natural birth is a topic that I feel passionately about and after sharing Tai's birth story, I wanted to dig a little deeper into the experience and share why is was so influential to me.

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies, and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” — Dr. Christiane Northrup

As women, we're constantly sent the subtle message that our bodies aren't good enough-- that we can't bring our babies into the world without drugs and/or surgery. Few of us ever get the opportunity to witness a real birth in person. Our only perceptions of birth comes from movies and TV shows-- where it's shown to be a crisis situation-- the birthing mother flat on her back in a hospital bed, screaming hysterically while doctors and nurses shout at her to push. We almost never see birth being presented as beautiful right of passage-- and without first hand experience, we never get to feel the magical energy surrounding birth.

I'm grateful that my mom instilled in me trust in my body and in my ability to birth babies. In recounting our birth stories (something she did every year on our birthdays) my mom never once used the word "pain" to describe her experience. She talked about the strong sensations, followed by incredible joy that marked the births of my brother, sister, and me.  Thankfully, the popular belief that birth is scary, painful, and unbearable, never penetrated my psyche too deeply. Rather than fear it,  I looked forward to Tai's birth as an opportunity to see what my body was capable of. I wanted to feel--to be present and aware of each rush as my baby came into the world. While the contractions  were not "enjoyable," I knew that each one was doing a job. Unlike the pain of a cut or a broken bone, labor pains are productive-- each contraction means that your body is opening and preparing to bring the baby down. As long as I focused on that fact, I found the pain of my contractions didn't overwhelm me.

 Like many people I know, I've spent a good portion of my life trying to escape pain-- both physical and emotional. I became very good at tuning out, running away, and hiding from any sensation that made me the least bit uncomfortable. Finally, through the (sporadic) yoga and meditation practices I started in my late teens, I began to grasp the concept that pain can open doors for us-- that some of our most powerful growth can happen when we stay present in our discomfort. Tai's birth was the deepest, most beautiful demonstration of this for me. At the peak of my labor, as the contractions crashed, one on top of another, I went deeper into myself than I'd ever been. A primal force controlled my body, and I knew that trying to run or hide away in my thoughts was no use. There was no way to "escape"-- fighting the contractions only made them worse and I realized my only way out was to surrender to my body and the intense sensations washing over me.

I was able to surrender to the experience because I wasn't afraid-- I had been given the incredible gift of trust in body-- passed down to me from my own mother, and from wise women in the books I read and researched. I went into labor trusting that my body was created to birth babies and that it knew what to do.
And,  I brought my son into the world, free of any drugs or pain medication, in the beauty of our bedroom.

My hope is that more women can reclaim trust in their bodies that we begin to question the medical model of birth that so often convinces to be afraid of this beautiful, natural process.

*Note-- my intention in this piece is not to judge or criticize ANY mother for her birth choices. I realize that we all walk different paths and that how/where we birth is an incredibly personal decision.

A MOTHER'S HEART

 

This quote spoke to me so deeply-- reading it brought tears to my eyes.

 

"Where did I come from? Where did you find me? asks the baby of his mother. She weeps and laughs at the same time and, pressing the infant to her breast, answers, You were hidden in my heart darling, you were its desire." ~Rabindranath Tagore

 

Being a mama was my heart's greatest desire. All through my childhood I imagined what it would be like to have babies of my own. And in the years between childhood and adulthood, I felt a hole in my heart that got deeper and wider with each passing year. Sometimes I could even feel a physical emptiness on my hip as I walked-- as though my body knew the memory of carrying a baby there and felt off balance without it. When Tai was born, I felt as though my entire life had been leading up to that moment-- that everything else had simply been preparation for that day.

 

Now, as I wait on the doorsteps of a new little soul, my heart once again swells with desire. I know no greater joy than holding my child close-- realizing what a gift it is to walk beside them on this journey. At the end of the day, after all of the tantrums and tears, messes and mishaps, being a mother is the most beautiful job I could ask for.

 

BIRTH ART/ FEBRUARY

 

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been consumed by pregnancy and birth art lately. It seems to be my way of processing this experience-- of connecting with the changes that are taking place in my body and spirit. I've always been captivated by the pregnant female form, but now more than ever, I feel drawn to this symbol of fertility, femininity, and power.

 

 

Gaia pregnant goddess art print