I spent a few quiet moments this morning rearranging my little soul corner, creating new intentions for the month ahead.
It's been a rocky road climbing back up to this place of confidence and hope. After a short, but very rough, pregnancy that ended in loss last fall, I was left flooded with strong, conflicting emotions. I felt grief, and relief, and guilt for feeling relief....but most of all I was left with fear and doubt. I doubted that my body had what it took to sustain a healthy pregnancy, and feared that as a mother didn't have enough to give to another little life. I feared that the stress of another baby would crumble my marriage and doubted my ability to maintain both the role of wife and mother of two. I felt crushed by these feelings--being a mama has always been my truest calling, and I was suddenly questioning whether I could live up to my own dreams.
But as winter turned to spring, and spring to summer, the feelings of pain and fear began to float away, one by one. I started taking better care of myself, physically and emotionally, and unpacking the baggage that had piled on over the years.
A few weeks ago, I began to feel a tapping on my heart. A little soul, somewhere far away, was asking if I was ready to let her/him in. And finally, I was able to smile and say yes! I'm ready to start this wild adventure all over again and ready for the new lessons it will undoubtedly teach me this time around.
(This is a page from the beautiful photography book "Revelaciones" by Daniela and Olivier Follmi. Quote is Pablo Neruda meaning "The mother is the first step in the future of the child. Mother and light are, in the beginning, a singular entity. The life of the child, the life of man, is just a continuation of this light." And those precious little hummingbird nests were a gift from my love-- he found three of them while we were trying to get pregnant with Tai. He'd never found one before, nor has he found one again. Definitely a gift from the Pachamama.)